Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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