It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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