my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
