I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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