We won't sleep together?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
