i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
