I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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