I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
