i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My liver just had a heart attack.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
