Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize