So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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