i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Couch. On fire.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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