Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my shit smells like andre
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
