I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The struggles of a small town man whore
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
