My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
MIDGETS
????
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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