After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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