'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
