my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
try to milk me bitch
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