i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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