so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
