i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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