I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
