I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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