mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
