I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
