his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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