Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
