don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
