I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
