Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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