I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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