I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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