He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
