My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
