her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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