I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
