We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
