i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
soo... how was my night?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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