In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
smell my finger.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Randomize