Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
