oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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