That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
