Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
