Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
