I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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