he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
