I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
