ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
