Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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