cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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