The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We just shotgunned beers for America
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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