If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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