she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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