Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
