im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
