That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
