you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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