My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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