and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
