its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
