On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
