Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
